Please, Mr. Cambodian General...

Don't reverse-engineer the pseudozombie virus. Thank you very much.

Sincerely,
The World.

Fetish Ball pics

jess&rew8cu.JPG,
originally uploaded by kerrick adrian.

My Fetish Ball pics are up. They are limited in scope, because I was doing a lot during Fetish Ball besides taking pictures. But if you are one of the two people in this set and want all these photos made private, let me know.

In other news, I have a couple of free flickr pro accounts to give away; if you want one get in touch with me and offer me things (not really. well, if you want.)

Newsflash:

South Carolina lege values chickens over women; story at eleven.

Sample quote from the article: Rep. Altman spoke about domestic violence, "There ought not to be a second offense. The woman ought to not be around the man. I mean you women want it one way and not another. Women want to punish the men, and I do not understand why women continue to go back around men who abuse them. And I've asked women that and they all tell me the same answer, John Graham you don't understand. And I say you're right, I don't understand."

*sound of forehead hitting wall, repeatedly*

Oxyrhynchus papyrii!!!

Oxyrhynchus payrii!!!!!! yesyesYES!!!

Have HOWZING in the BAY AREA, WOOT!

Okay. I have a place to live.

I just got word from USCA that I have a place to live in the fall. And in the Oscar Wilde House, to boot. Rock!

Now. Is it wisest for me to take this?

It's a little over $600 a month, including utilities and bulk groceries. This is pretty cheap.
I will be living in a small room, probably with one other person. This may cause me to have to confront body issues.
I will probably have to switch to injections for my roommate's health if they are not a guy, due to the possibility of transferring my medication to them. I could possibly do patches instead.
It's not exactly right where I want to be, but it's not too bad; there are buses.
People will be around to do maintenance and share chores with.
I won't be living alone, so I will be less likely to do foolish things like forget to eat for days at a time.
People will be around to come into conflict with perhaps.
I could maybe find someplace cheaper in Oakland, but Oakland is for the most part not as nice a neighborhood, and it would be just as far away if not farther.
I could maybe get a job at the coop, which would make my rent nearly free, but wouldn't pay anything in excess of that. However, most of them are not anywhere close to full time, so maybe I could get a job at the coop and a part time job at school.
There is high-speed internet access, and for this I will probably pay an extra 5-10 dollars a month, which is cheap.
It's guaranteed-- all I have to do is send the form back tomorrow.
I have to pay rent in lump sums, which can be hard on my budget.
On the other hand, I can get rent out of the way and not worry about it from month to month.

My readings say living here will be difficult and from time to time unpleasant, but I will learn from it. They say the same thing about living anywhere else. Interestingly, they also seem to say it doesn't matter whether I leave in June or August, except that I might learn more spiritual stuff if I stay (which makes sense because I was planning to go to that thing in Massachusetts if I stay). However, it does matter very much what job I take. I am warned against working on the boat. But the JFKU job looks like it would be beneficial for me.

Any practical advice for me, folks?

How is the Ren Faire/SCAdian duality like being trans?

Empty Hats 1,
originally uploaded by kerrick adrian.

Many people start out by dressing at Ren Faires occasionally, and then go full time, and eventually transition to SCAdian.

SCAdians feel they are more "real" or "authentic" than RFs.

RFs think SCAdians are stuck up.

SCAdians think that RFs can't commit.

SCAdians are sometimes accused of coming into RF safe spaces and making the RFs feel inadequate by criticizing them for being less authentic, or for treating it like a hobby instead of an identity or a way of life.

Both are very expensive.

Some people lose or give up their careers and families when they come out as RFs or SCAdians, or when they go full-time.

RFs often say they just enjoy dressing up and pretending to be someone different for a day.

RFs often have highly developed alternate personas that they take on when they dress.

Can anyone think of anything else? Does anyone have the least clue what I'm talking about?

Last day at faire

Empty Hats 4,
originally uploaded by kerrick adrian.

I took a full memory card almost entirely of Empty Hats. Here is one example. Alas, these photos, my fond memories, and of course the two new CDs will have to keep me for the next TWO YEARS... sigh.

I'm up early

I got me some thesis done last night— at least I revised a lot of the shit I'd already done and I feel better and better about it. I am going to faire today and I will work more when I get back. Have tax forms to sign at my folks' house.

Last night was also a meeting for the DMs for the FB. I was pleased with how that went. Mishakitty was there. We talked a little bit about technique and safety and the length of the shifts, etc. I'm looking forward to it; this should be a really good one.

Today Sarah will go before the SAC to get funding. I will be at Ren Faire. I should really make sure my other floggers are in my car where they (aren't) supposed to be.

Why can I never keep my damn mouth shut?

You know, it was a convenient rule. Don't try to be honest with people when they're hurting. Be supportive first, constructive later. Well, I broke it tonight in a bad way.

If it's a mistake, the universe will give me a chance to fix it, or to learn from it if it's unfixable. If it wasn't, it'll do some good when the sting wears off. Probably it was both a mistake and not a mistake, and some good and bad will come of it, like everything else.

Probably.

Well. In my defense, y'Honor, let the record show I wanted to help and had the courage to try.

...

It is too, too easy to let myself get into this trap I feel closing around me now. I HATE doing shit like that. Do you think I did that for fun? To watch you squirm? You would be grievously mistaken. Do you think I would have said word one of that shit if I didn't care about you more than my own comfort? More than your comfort, for that matter. If I didn't care about you I'd have kept my mouth shut and let you get hurt for it later.

Gods rip you out of your benightedness. I wasn't honest with you when you went off with them in the first place! Good GODS, man, it had to start sometime. If I'd said then "They are treating you like SHIT, grow a spine!" would it have helped? No, probably not. But it would have been SAID.

You deserve better than to suffer what you are suffering now. And hopefully your friends will all be there for you; I count myself one of them, even if you don't after tonight. You can do better than this. You're damned smart, and those times I've gotten a chance to see past your carefully cultivated "cool" I've really liked what I saw. I could have respect for the person you are underneath all that. But that person is never going to grow up if you don't let him out now and again.

...

This is my prayer to you as the god of your life:

Please let yourself feel your way through the hurt that I've just inflicted to take from it whatever benefit you can. Please see the truth behind my words, no matter what it is-- maybe it isn't in the words themselves, I don't know. Maybe it is some other truth entirely. But please use your powerful and divine inner sight to see it clearly. Please, in cooperation with the rest of the Divine and Demented All, create some new and wonderful life for yourself, one which includes the friends you have and love, in a good and healthy relationship. Please see your way through this because you will come out the other side of this changed, and you may change into something holy and powerful and made of love or you may change into something quite the opposite of that. The choice is ultimately yours along with the responsibility but I know what I'm praying for, lord of your life.

Amen. Awomen. And Halle-Fucking-Lujah.

If you are not the person to whom this was addressed, please do not comment. I leave the comments enabled for his benefit alone, and if anyone else comments, it will be deleted.

They forgot the new force in self defense bill...

...which will allow people to beat the shit out of anyone they "perceive to be a threat".

Comic here.

Article here.

(Thanks, go_team_venture)

New College Hosts Female Orgasm Workshop...

...tranny feels uncomfortable and goes home.

In other news... the sun!

I feel really bad about it. But I felt so MASSIVELY uncomfortable with the idea of sitting for an hour while someone talked about "female orgasm" and "women's vaginas" and "her clitoris". It reminded me that I am trans and it still hurts and it is very sucky, no matter how cool life is in general at the minute.

I wanted so much to stay, so I could just stand up at the end and say "my bits look like girl's bits but they're not, and I will never be able to have a positive sexual relationship with anybody who can't conceptualize my body the way I do, and I am not the only one who feels this way and odds are I'm not even the only one who feels this way in the room right now. What about me?" But that would get nothing accomplished, because realistically I don't know what to tell these people. What about me? Why should I even want to feel included in a workshop like that? They're sure as hell not going to make one just for me. Maybe being with another trans guy is going to be my only hope ever of finding someone who has even the vaguest clue what I need from them to be comfortable with my body. Not that that's a bad thing; I'd love to be with another trans guy. It just narrows the dating pool a lot.

It hurts, gods, it hurts like hell sometimes. Everything is going right and wonderful and so I can totally ignore my body for awhile, except for noticing all the great changes I'm expecting with T. But that doesn't make it go away; it's just in hiding waiting to ambush me.

Grad school.

I'm in.

Marjorie Schwarzer, the director of the program, called me right after they finished their meeting. She seemed very excited to have me and said my application made a very favorable impression. She was very friendly, as was the assistant director when I interviewed with him, so I'm pleased to be going to JFKU instead of SFSU. SFSU's director seemed really pretty cold on the phone.

I am trying to restrain the euphoria. I am so excited.

Now here's hoping I can get any financial aid.

I think I had a manic episode.

I just had about two days of utter euphoria, followed by a day of feeling really drained. That sounds manic, right? I don't think the cause was chemical, though. Is there such a thing as situational mania?

I met with my friend from high school, whose name is now Jakob. He is awesome. He is fit and gorgeous, if I'm allowed to say that about an old friend, and he's got the glow of love around him not only from his awesome boyfriend but from his human rights work, spiritual guidance, and sense of the sacred. His family seems generally really cool, although Jakob assures me they aren't always that well-behaved. He talked to my parents, which I think helped them. We hung out at Sacred Grounds, at his parents' house, had breakfast, went book-hunting, went to Tomes and Treasures, and EVENTUALLY I made myself go away. I miss him but I will see him this summer when we road trip to the Bay Area to move our stuff.

I am so excited about the rest of my life. It's like I've just climbed a hill and am looking West and there's all these other hills and even mountains out there I'll have to climb but the view from here is GREAT.

A realization.

How could I have been so stupid? They were right all along. I'm not really transgendered, I've just been deluding myself. Actually my body is infested with Thetans.

Dianetics has shown me that the real reason I am unhappy is that I am infested with all these body thetans, the aliens which cling to our pure and powerful energy structures and drag us down. Thetans are the cause of all ills. Fortunately the Church of Scientology can rid me of them, and give me the tools to save other people from them too. It will be more expensive than transitioning but I am glad I've discovered this because in the end I will be truly happy, unlike the rest of you Suppressive Persons.

Only Scientologists are truly human. The rest of you are just Thetans. Masses of Thetans. Ew. Thetans. So I'm never allowed to speak to you again, because the thetans might get me.

Yrs,
TAF