New College Hosts Female Orgasm Workshop...
...tranny feels uncomfortable and goes home.
In other news... the sun!
I feel really bad about it. But I felt so MASSIVELY uncomfortable with the idea of sitting for an hour while someone talked about "female orgasm" and "women's vaginas" and "her clitoris". It reminded me that I am trans and it still hurts and it is very sucky, no matter how cool life is in general at the minute.
I wanted so much to stay, so I could just stand up at the end and say "my bits look like girl's bits but they're not, and I will never be able to have a positive sexual relationship with anybody who can't conceptualize my body the way I do, and I am not the only one who feels this way and odds are I'm not even the only one who feels this way in the room right now. What about me?" But that would get nothing accomplished, because realistically I don't know what to tell these people. What about me? Why should I even want to feel included in a workshop like that? They're sure as hell not going to make one just for me. Maybe being with another trans guy is going to be my only hope ever of finding someone who has even the vaguest clue what I need from them to be comfortable with my body. Not that that's a bad thing; I'd love to be with another trans guy. It just narrows the dating pool a lot.
It hurts, gods, it hurts like hell sometimes. Everything is going right and wonderful and so I can totally ignore my body for awhile, except for noticing all the great changes I'm expecting with T. But that doesn't make it go away; it's just in hiding waiting to ambush me.
posted by Kerrick @ 7:34 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
If it maks you feel any better, I educated (or at least tried to educate) some people about trans stuff tonight. They had some very odd misconceptions about it, and I tried to sort out terminology and meaning for them. I'm sorry you felt so uncomfortable.
-Sarah
*hugs* Hey. I know it'll be a long while before awareness and consideration really spreads. And maybe the reason you want to feel included is that your gender, although you identify with male, isn't fully so. Right? That's what I remember. It's really confusing and all, but there are probably a lot more people than one would think out there who have gender issues they want to sort out. So... Maybe it's that underlying sense of 20/80 or something like that, that makes you want to have that connection. Or maybe just because it's a good feeling to be connected. Do you need a reason to want to belong? And maybe you don't think you should, but sometimes that happens.
And just my two cents here; if you're ever going to have someone understand and accomodate your needs, you really need to share up front with them what you need to feel safe and loved. It goes for most people, but especially for you, since you are so uncomfortable as things are right now. But it'll be worth it if this other person can understand what you want and give it to you.
I can imagine these feelings you're having would hurt a lot in ways I haven't quite experienced. So, just running here... If you need to vent or talk with someone, I'm open.
Oh, wow, thanks Sarah. It's very much appreciated. I would love it if you let me know what people were saying and what you said back.
And L, basically what was making me feel uncomfortable at that thing was the idea of having to talk about or listen to people talk about my genitals in ways that I don't conceptualize them. Ignore this if it's too icky, but, you know, my clit is a dick to me, and I don't want to be all "We're women and we have clits isn't that GREAT???" Because, you know, I'm not one and my genitals are slightly a source of frustration to me, and I also REALLY don't want to hear that it's anti-feminist to not love my bits.
At the same time, since I've been having real problems with the sex thing lately, maybe it would have been good for me to go. But, since most of my problems stem from not being able to feel like my partner can conceptualize my body the way I do and still be attracted to me, I doubt the workshop would have helped.
But you're right. I should be communicating better. It's hard to talk about stuff like that.
*nods* I can understand that. Being someone who lacks vaginal pride, or any pride for that matter, sometimes I get those motivational speeches from very proud women. If it makes me feel awkward, it must really make you feel awkward in that situation. @_@
And you don't have to wave a giant "I love vagina" flag to be a feminist. That's just stupid. Otherwise there wouldn't be any guy feminists, and there are. So you can be too, if you want to. Any way you choose to look at something, it's your business, because it's your body and your feelings.
Does Parkview help you talk about how you feel? And sort these things out?
Don't be ashamed or think you're going to squick me out or something. If it's something important to you, then it's something I am honestly interested in and want to help support you if you need it. So don't feel like, "Uh-oh, I'd better not say too much stuff that might upset Laura." And although sometimes I may not understand things, I'll try. I know I'm dense sometimes. But hey, I'm good for cookies! And tea. And talking, too.
I'll see you later! *hug*
screw that. I'm tired of bossy, genital-obsessed, manditory-butch wish-they-were-lesbians dictating how every feminist should think and feel. I don't spell it "womyn", I don't think school should have ovesters instead of semesters. Not everything is a symbol of male oppression. But I'm still a feminist, and I don't need them to tell me how to be one, and neither do you.
These people are puritans: they're a minority of the population, screaming about oppression in EVERYTHING (and causing others to stop taking feminism seriously), telling everyone else what they should be angry at, and what they should be proud of, as if they were one being: the "uber-bitch" - a giant organism with one mind, no sense of humor, and a giant vagina where its brain should be.
Pay them no attention at all. The definition of a feminist is: an individual of any sex or gender that supports egalitarian treatment for all sexes, and specifically supports the egalitarian treatment of women in society and their continuing acceptance and advancement in all circles - professional, social, the home, etc. You can be a housewife and be a feminist, you can be a man and be a feminist, you can be Miss America and be a feminist. And you can definitely be transgender and be a feminist. And you can be transgender and love your body how YOU see and relate to it, and change it how you want to, and do what you want to with it. That was the whole point of feminism after all: that EVERYONE should get to be happy with themselves, and their sex lives, and their career oppurtunities, etc., regardless of gender. Why does that not extend to you? Any feminist that suggests you do not belong amongst them, as you are and want to be identified, is a hypocrite.
And as for the whole "not being able to find anyone thing" - I don't think you should be so pessimistic. I know it's going to be harder to find people to hook up with now, but I wouldn't say your dating pool is now so limited. I think as long as you stay open to possibilities, you'll find people who are happy to identify you and all your constituant parts as you wish them to be identified. And you should feel free to visit all the female orgasm workshops you want, just realize that they're not about you - not even in technical terms anymore. Because technical knowledge will not help you if you are hearing about parts that you do not consider yourself as having, and techniques that you cannot identify with as applying to you. Go for intellectual interest, but know that they're just going to be talking about women, and a specific kind at that. There are a lot of different kinds of women, and a lot of different kinds of men. And a whole bunch of people who don't fit either category. And just like feminism, this is a "new" concept that everyone's going to have to poke and prod until they're used to it. And we're all going to mess up with each other - a lot and for a long time...
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