Lunar Eclipse

I didn't get to do as much with this as I'd have liked to, because I had to work on a paper. But I did something.

Samhain fast approaches, and it's not getting any cooler, or any quieter.

I am weary, wary, and worn.

Samhain is a time of endings. It is time for this bullshit to be over.

Say goodbye, George. "Goodbye, George."

I just need to babble a bit

Okay. Third post in a day. It's a record.

Pookaling's birthday happened, and we went out to Olive Garden, and I got ma'amed by a waitress, and I told her "Actually it's sir." She laughed. I said, "I'm transgendered. It's sir. Really." And then she said "Oh okay." and moved on.

I'm getting better at this. It still scares me, but it's happening more and more frequently and every time I correct someone it's a little less hard. I like to think making those corrections helps people realize that they do interact with transgender people, who are just pretty normal and aren't scary or perverse (visibly, anyway). The hardest ones are people I interact with regularly, but who still don't know about my gender stuff, like people at college I'm barely acquainted with. If they use the wrong pronouns I'm liable not to correct them.

...

Come Samhain this year, I want to do some sort of death-and-rebirth transition ritual. I'm not sure what it will be yet. I will probably bury my former self ritually for six months, and then come Beltane, ask the people I'm close to to participate with me in a rebirth and transition ritual. If during the six months I decide transition isn't for me, or don't decide one way or another, I'll simply dig up my former self, changed though I may be, and declare the trial over and the lesson learned. During these six months I'll be living as a guy-- a queer guy, not a macho guy; not making any huge changes in how I perceive myself or present to the world right now, but just insisting on interacting with the world as me, as the androgynous guy I feel like most of the time. Most people won't notice a difference. It's mostly a challenge to myself to see whether this is really right for me, or if I should stay in androgynous girl-space forever, or if I should forget the whole thing completely.

Six months is a goodly amount of time to think, to test my comfort levels. That it is set off by ritual at the beginning and end is a good idea. That way I can't waver too much; I'm making a commitment to see it through. I should see Mary during that time, whenever I can afford to and have the time. Also, the Beltane ritual will nearly coincide with graduation, so I can incorporate that transition as well.

Gods I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid, for one thing, that it'll work.

Oh yes... and in other news...

Monday night I ended up at a coffee shop when a political discussion was in session, so I sat down and took part. There were some older people there, Rew, and a friend of Rew's from the theatre, and we talked about the debates, religion in state institutions, "Columbus Day", and many another side-topic. I felt bolstered and reassured that many people who are very different from me share my opinions on these issues.

They treated me as a woman, and I asked them not to and told them I was transgendered, and they elected not to say anything about it. They didn't ask questions and I didn't volunteer any further information. I'm not sure whether that was good or not. But they seemed like they would welcome me back, so I'll probably go again next week.

Also my chain mail project was much admired by the older guy. :)

Are you voting?

Six degrees of voting. The dynamic maps are beautiful; check them out.

What else is up... Oh yes. Here is a commentary on an alternate history someone wrote that explored what might have happened if George W. Bush had been elected or installed as President in 2000. It's pretty thoroughly trashed on the grounds that, basically, no one could be that stupid.

Note the new addition...

Just to the right of this text on your screen you may observe the link to streaming audio of stuff from my Last.fm profile. If you are curious as to what I'm listening to these days, or care to make fun of my musical tastes, or just want to try out this rather tetchy beta version of a customizable streaming audio service which will be very cool once the bugs are worked out, then please feel free. If you like it enough to get your own Last.fm account, let me know. (It's donationware at the moment.) The link will open a small popup window which will offer you a music stream of random stuff I've decided I like. It has been known to switch profiles for some reason on rare occasions, so if you suddenly hear reggae, it's not me I swear.

I like Last.fm for being donationware, for having a wide variety of cool stuff instead of just mainstream crap, and for their staff being so friendly and open to suggestions. The more people sign up and donate to them, the more they can improve the service, such as by getting even more artists signed up, and they're also extremely useful for unsigned bands and artists who want their music heard, but not stolen.

I don't like that it's still somewhat buggy. The weird ghost noises when it's tuning in are great and retro, but for some reason I get these more than other people seem to. But I have great hope for the future.

National Coming Out Day

I have a secret.

I'm... I'm queer.

I hope you still love me.

Goodbye, Jackie

Jacques Derrida has been deconstructed.

"the mauve faeries are boys, the white ones are girls, and there are some colours who don't know what they are."

-- from Peter Pan.

I had this conversation today:

"I'm Kereth. I'm a boy, by the way, which isn't always immediately apparent."
"Wha--? Nuh-uh."
"Um, yes. I'm transgendered."
"No, not really...?"
"Yes."
"You're kidding."
"No."
(five more minutes of this)
"Oh. ... So what's that like?"

I was somewhat surprised to find I didn't have a ready answer. How do you encapsulate something as complicated as a gender identity, especially MY gender identity, into a soundbite for someone not willing to entertain, at first, the notion that transgender is anything more than a joke? She was at least very nice once we got past that, but I suppose it was my first attempt at actually explaining myself to someone willing to challenge me. It was nerve-wracking. My palms were sweaty, my stomach was in knots, and I felt humiliated. And this is something I'm going to have to get used to doing, unless I'd prefer to be driven insane by people's ignorance. The spirit is willing, o Gods, but the adrenals are shot to hell.
But afterwards, I felt better, in some indescribable way. I'd like to be able to explain things just once to everyone, but it's not going to happen. I don't mind answering questions, but starting from scratch with strangers is really hard. It's good to remember I'm not the first person to go through this, though. Nor is it as hard for me, as most people at New College have some general idea that transgendered people exist.