I just need to babble a bit

Okay. Third post in a day. It's a record.

Pookaling's birthday happened, and we went out to Olive Garden, and I got ma'amed by a waitress, and I told her "Actually it's sir." She laughed. I said, "I'm transgendered. It's sir. Really." And then she said "Oh okay." and moved on.

I'm getting better at this. It still scares me, but it's happening more and more frequently and every time I correct someone it's a little less hard. I like to think making those corrections helps people realize that they do interact with transgender people, who are just pretty normal and aren't scary or perverse (visibly, anyway). The hardest ones are people I interact with regularly, but who still don't know about my gender stuff, like people at college I'm barely acquainted with. If they use the wrong pronouns I'm liable not to correct them.

...

Come Samhain this year, I want to do some sort of death-and-rebirth transition ritual. I'm not sure what it will be yet. I will probably bury my former self ritually for six months, and then come Beltane, ask the people I'm close to to participate with me in a rebirth and transition ritual. If during the six months I decide transition isn't for me, or don't decide one way or another, I'll simply dig up my former self, changed though I may be, and declare the trial over and the lesson learned. During these six months I'll be living as a guy-- a queer guy, not a macho guy; not making any huge changes in how I perceive myself or present to the world right now, but just insisting on interacting with the world as me, as the androgynous guy I feel like most of the time. Most people won't notice a difference. It's mostly a challenge to myself to see whether this is really right for me, or if I should stay in androgynous girl-space forever, or if I should forget the whole thing completely.

Six months is a goodly amount of time to think, to test my comfort levels. That it is set off by ritual at the beginning and end is a good idea. That way I can't waver too much; I'm making a commitment to see it through. I should see Mary during that time, whenever I can afford to and have the time. Also, the Beltane ritual will nearly coincide with graduation, so I can incorporate that transition as well.

Gods I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid, for one thing, that it'll work.