Venusian Brain-Melty Flu, Greek Civ Exams...

...and gradual amputation of friendships by means of an emotional tourniquet.

Yesterday, one of my miserable colds kept me awake and in, well, misery all day and night. This bodes ill for my Greek Civ exam today, but hopefully David will understand when I explain that I can't possibly USE my brain, as the Venusians have it in their secret labs in the crushing depths of Venus' semifluid surface.

Last week, I got many interesting things done-- such as talking with the Director of Residential Life about setting forth a written policy regarding housing options for transgender students at my college. Hopefully I will get to sit down with him and with NC's legal counsel to decide what can be done, and then we will have to take the solution to the trustees. I'm very excited about this and also about my ambitious plans to get NC to change their benefits package to include domestic partnership benefits for professors with same-sex partners. All of this is very important so NC can accomodate diverse students and professors. The quality of our education depends on attracting the best professors and the best students regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.

But my excitement is tempered by the pain of a close friend slowly drawing farther and farther away from me. I see him every day, but he won't let me in on what's going on in his life. I'm not sure if he's afraid I'll hurt him somehow, or if he just doesn't see the need to be that close with me anymore, or if maybe I raise painful memories. But since he's doing this with many of his friends, I start to wonder if he's even aware he's doing it. I miss him. We were good friends, better friends than lovers, and he represents a very good time in my life that I don't want to lose my connection to.

Remainder of this post invisibilised for the privacy of others.


He most fears losing those he is close to, and he's manifesting those fears quite well. His Shadow is using that fear to cause him to burn those bridges all by himself. Our rare moments of friendship are getting rarer, and they seem forced, or even fabricated-- I've just learned that he has that ability, and now it makes me wonder. He feels this happening and simply accepts that he's doing this because he's crazy, but like another friend of ours, it doesn't occur to him that he does have agency over this phenomenon. He's hurting himself and it hurts me to watch, especially when he won't let me near to help.

If he would let me talk to him right now there are many things I would say. Not all of them can be posted here, naturally, but I feel in the absence of any ability to talk openly with him, I have to get some of them out. Like, for instance-- You're not doing yourself or the other any service with this deception. You have him thinking you're best buddies, because he harbors you no ill-will, and you haven't given him the slightest clue you feel otherwise. I had no idea until just this moment. Also, no one is conspiring against you! Hell, I'm trying to conspire for you, which is precious difficult when you won't talk to me. (Now look what you've done; made me use an exclamation point and strong tags in two sentences. Next I'll be typing in all caps.) I want very much to be a good and loyal friend of yours, a brother even if you will allow it-- I know our history makes that difficult, but you've been great about at least entertaining the thought-- but here you are pushing me away, cutting me off, and not letting me get your back when I would. Others would be good and loyal friends of yours too, but not if you are convinced they are your enemies. Fear the enemy and manifest him; the universe is a stern teacher. For every moment you act from your fears instead of your desires you manifest your fears rather than your desires. Act from your desires and let the Grand Conspiracy give you what you want, rather than what you fear. The way to destroy the enemy is to realize and thus reify that THERE IS NO ENEMY ANYWHERE.

(Ooh, look. All caps and bold. Maybe he's serious.)