Hm. I do seem to avoid putting personal stuff on this journal. And while that's fine— online journals have different boundaries— I suspect that means it's not really serving a purpose. So okay, I can fix that. Read on at own risk.
I had been walling myself off, I thought, for too long to ever break those walls down. I thought the answer to that was to seek out someone else, someone I wouldn't feel the need to put up walls with. Well, there was no need for that.
Rew and I had an awesome date on Monday. We talked, we hashed out most of his issues and most of mine, and then we had some of the most amazing sex. And not once did I feel invalidated. I am so glad and grateful for it.
So why am I still planning to have sex with M? (With Rew's full consent and cooperation, of course. I may not be a man of honor, but I am at least one who does not hurt the ones he loves, if he can avoid it.) Specifics are not within the mandate of this online journal, but I can say that I believe there are certain psychological needs I can meet by having sex with a bisexual man that I can't meet in Rew's arms, as much as I love him. I mean, ask any gay man who's been in a relationship with a genuinely straight one for two years. It can get tough. I guess what it all comes down to is needing to know if I can function as a gay man in my intimate relationships. And this is not a question Rew can help me answer. I also think it's a wonderful and unexpected gift that I'm being offered the chance to learn this before I get to San Francisco, with someone I trust, and in a situation where I don't feel like I'm so much less experienced than my partner that I can't possibly unfreeze enough to do a good job.
I am starting to have some good days. I can feel the depression lifting. Now if only I can head off this cold before it finishes me, and get all the things done I need to do...
