Excerpt from what I wrote in my physical journal last night:

First day of estrogen poisoning. Yep. No wonder I've been cranky. I was still somewhat mean today but only to people who weren't here, which isn't much better...I said bad things about X's mom because frankly she hurts them...Oh, hell, I just shouldn't have said it. Well, my parents are so cool that I really get very angry when I think people's parents are being evil, and X's mom seems very controlling...But that is not any of my business, as much as I love to meddle in my friends' lives. Geez. I'm the controlling one.
Okay. I have flaws. It's not a bad thing to have flaws; if I didn't I wouldn't have been born, I would have just careened off the wheel of samsara. I can improve. I just have to watch myself. Better go and get a rubber band. Or maybe a treaty with my shadow self.
I'm afraid of my shadow self because I fear making mistakes. I want to think I'm perfect. Every tiny mistake is a big terrible one in my mind, and they all go into the Shadow who appears at odd moments, reminding me of everything from embarassing missteps to egregious breaches of honor. And then I empower it by trying my best to forget about it, or dwelling on it...Mistakes are there to fuel my self-improvement. And if I truly want to be as close to perfect as I can be, rather than just trying (and failing) to appear perfect, I have to face my mistakes long enough to take a lesson from them, put the lesson into practice, and then set the mistake aside before I start indulging in emotional masochism.
The mistakes I feel most keenly are those which hurt other people. Sometimes this happens from ignorance, sometimes from carelessness, but it all comes down to the same thing-- I don't pay attention. I need to pay attention to others, not just myself. We all become a little self-centered in our transitions and to some extent that's necessary. But when I'm not engaging in self-analysis I should listen to people more and engage my empathy, pay attention to their feelings as well as my own-- and not just my projection of what their feelings should be, either. This doesn't mean forego my own needs-- but what need of mine does it fulfill to say hurtful things?
Of course, sometimes I seem to say hurtful things just to be hurtful. Probably this serves a purpose. Trash-talk with a friend about a third party brings the first two people closer together, even if only superficially. It's also an addictive temporary ego-boost: "I may have made mistakes, but I'm not as bad as that person." Of course if I truly understood and accepted my mistakes I wouldn't need that ego-boost. I guess I do use it to bolster a shaky sense of my own self.
Well, enough of that. Each time I start saying hurtful things about someone I should understand the reason why, so I can fix it. In the long term I need to figure out why I don't feel confident or sure of myself and deal with that.
Something comes to mind-- I was always praised for being smart, as a little'un. Smart, I seem to have decided, means not making mistakes...

And if smart means not making mistakes, then because I have made so many, I must be an idiot. But, I know I'm not an idiot. Trying to prove it by justifying my mistakes, ignoring them, or comparing them to other people's is not a useful way of dealing with this. I would probably be a lot better off if I could just accept that I can make mistakes and still be good, brave, strong, and smart.