I think someone has been running messages for me without me sending them consciously.

Fledermaus asked me tonight what he could do to acknowledge my boy side more. I suspect the Selkie has been telling tales again, but that is after all her calling.

What do I need in order to feel like my maleness is being honored?

I need to feel as if he finds me attractive in my female, androgyne, and male aspects. I need to be able to feel comfortable being more male around him. I need to be able to talk to him about my fantasies and my body issues. It scares me to work through this because I don't know what it means for me to have a male role in a relationship, particularly with a straight man-- I only know it's something I need to acknowledge about myself. I need to be comfortable with this before I go inflicting it on Fledermaus.

I have been using the phrase "female to androgyne transgender" to describe myself lately. It makes sense. I feel I need to leave my female identity and enter one which is androgyne, partaking of male and female qualities but not wholly either. Some form of transition is required to accomplish that, even if it doesn't include changing my body-- as I strongly suspect it will at some point.

Ophidia said today that she felt like me being out to my parents made my gender identity concerns more real to "other people". By which I feel she meant herself, even though she said she was referring to vague other people with whom she was discussing the issue. I sort of want to know who these other people are, because they sound mean, but they also sound like they might not really exist, so I'm not too concerned.

In other news, I got my papers done and turned in, and I put some flyers for ALSO around the Four Winds and Pop Comics today. Tomorrow is my day off, but I plan to try to get some things done around the house. For now, though, sleep has become of primary importance.