Saturday, March 27, 2004

Until last night I'd forgotten what an interesting sensation it is to spend several hours coughing incessantly without the opportunity to breathe. It lends itself well to contemplation of the universe... of one's flaws... of one's mortality... of one's burny, stabby bronchioles. It was most enlightening, but I feel I've learned the necessary lessons from that particular experience and I'm busy making sure it doesn't happen again.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Is there some reason I don't know about why the Wolfsheim concert would attract so very many gender-diverse people? Awesome... but odd. And they played a song from the Hedwig soundtrack just before the opening band came on. Confusion reigns... but it's a happy confusion.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

The Gentlething came back, exhausted and bone weary, from the Renaissance Faire. Somewhere deep in teir bones was the urge, defying exhaustion and common sense, to cook. Thinking little of teir own (terribly untrained and unpracticed) ability, te pulled out a frozen chicken breast and some random spices and threw them together in an utterly counterintuitive manner. Te used lime juice, minced garlic, yellow mustard, and a few commercial seasoning blends and seared the unholy life out of the chicken. Te tasted it, expecting the worst.

Serendipitously, however, what te got was the best blackened chicken te had ever tasted. Juicy, flavorful, tangy, sharp with many gleaming facets of brilliant flavor and aroma.

Thus, Serendipity Black is born.

Friday, March 19, 2004

Saw Jill for the last time today, although she'll be around until the end of the semester after all. We talked, and the upshot is I have to talk to Mary about the trust issues. It took me a few sessions to get to trust Jill, and I haven't got there with Mary yet.

I am so relieved to be on Spring Break finally. I feel exhausted and worn down from classes, and I still have classwork to do over break, but at least I can take my time with it. And I really really need to clean this room, it's a hellhole.

I've been feeling very "boy" for most of the last few weeks-- not a terribly macho boy, but boy all the same. It upsets me that I can't really explain to my friends and family what it's like to feel male, but not masculine, sometimes. It is no easy thing, either for me to go through or for them to understand.

The new chest binders came in and they don't work as well as I'd hoped-- but, as I've just discovered, it is possible, though not terribly comfortable, to wear two of them and get the effect I want. Maybe I won't get milady'ed as much at Faire tomorrow. I'm taking a few first-timers; I love that. I hope I get to see Fa.

Happy birthday, mom-- sorry I didn't call yesterday. I'll see you Sunday I hope.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Public apology to Ophidia for my error in judgment. I'm sorry. I shouldn't second-guess people, especially not my friends.

I still wish I knew of whom you spoke, however. People are welcome to disagree with me, but that doesn't give them license to be disrespectful, especially not behind my back. And I would feel a lot better about it if I could get a chance to speak with them courteously-- as a gentlething should-- before the situation deteriorates any further. It seems that would be a lot more effective and civilized than if I should find out by some painful accident. Or, I may be too close to the situation-- it could be that talking about this with them will be no more effective than addressing the Third Court masonry, either in helping us come to an understanding or helping me feel better.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Birthday yesterday. Dinner with the family. Saw Hedwig. Hung out with the pookaling much of the night. Today, ren faire. I'm already exhausted and there's still game tonight. I should nap.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

I think someone has been running messages for me without me sending them consciously.

Fledermaus asked me tonight what he could do to acknowledge my boy side more. I suspect the Selkie has been telling tales again, but that is after all her calling.

What do I need in order to feel like my maleness is being honored?

I need to feel as if he finds me attractive in my female, androgyne, and male aspects. I need to be able to feel comfortable being more male around him. I need to be able to talk to him about my fantasies and my body issues. It scares me to work through this because I don't know what it means for me to have a male role in a relationship, particularly with a straight man-- I only know it's something I need to acknowledge about myself. I need to be comfortable with this before I go inflicting it on Fledermaus.

I have been using the phrase "female to androgyne transgender" to describe myself lately. It makes sense. I feel I need to leave my female identity and enter one which is androgyne, partaking of male and female qualities but not wholly either. Some form of transition is required to accomplish that, even if it doesn't include changing my body-- as I strongly suspect it will at some point.

Ophidia said today that she felt like me being out to my parents made my gender identity concerns more real to "other people". By which I feel she meant herself, even though she said she was referring to vague other people with whom she was discussing the issue. I sort of want to know who these other people are, because they sound mean, but they also sound like they might not really exist, so I'm not too concerned.

In other news, I got my papers done and turned in, and I put some flyers for ALSO around the Four Winds and Pop Comics today. Tomorrow is my day off, but I plan to try to get some things done around the house. For now, though, sleep has become of primary importance.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Pairodox's birthday party last night. Exhausting. Group this morning went well. Had lunch with a friend after. Going home to see my parents again tomorrow-- er, today, whichever. Also have papers to do. Will work on them tomorrow/today and monday. I estimate about nine to ten hours of work, all told.

I'm afraid I've developed quite a crush on a friend of mine. I've mentioned it to Fledermaus and he doesn't seem perturbed by the fact, which is good. Nothing can come of it, anyway.

Must sleep. More tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

On Sunday I came out to my parents about my androgyny.

I don't think I had really planned on it. I wanted to tell them, but I wanted to wait until I'd been going to see my new therapist for a few months. That way, I believed, I would be better prepared to answer their questions. But I don't think I did a bad job-- maybe I could have communicated more effectively in writing. I am so grateful for how well they've reacted. I know they don't really understand what this is yet-- that I'm a gender-variant person and that's never going to change, and forgetting about it won't make it go away or make me any happier. But heck, there are things I don't understand about this yet, and some things I'll never understand (like why me?).

I have the best parents in the world. This isn't easy to deal with, but they still love me anyway, and I know I'll have their support no matter what.

In other news, today I go to see Mary for the first time (in an official capacity, anyway) and I'm really looking forward to it, albeit nervously. Saturday is the second group session. I have a paper due on Friday I haven't started yet, and I need to do some Greek translation. Friday is James' birthday party, and next week is Grandma's, and Tampa Faire is starting up. I can't believe how much I have to do. No wonder sleep eludes me.

And I got the silver stuff! I made two things. The first thing broke and the second thing wasn't entirely dry yet so it exploded a little in the kiln-- but it's still useable, and I can fix the first thing when I get a handheld butane torch. I really want to make custom jewelry for people. It would be a great creative outlet, and I could earn a little money doing it.